I hate your face
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
