I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
We don't watch enough power rangers
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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