my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
