today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
