No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
