2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
