96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
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It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
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Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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