And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
