Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
