Im at strip club and am horny
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
