I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
