I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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