I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
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Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
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For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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