All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
