bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
