Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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