my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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