Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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