In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
