I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
