God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
