member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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