Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
another moral hangover. fuck.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
