Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
