it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
