On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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