after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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