if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
