So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
