rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Randomize
