So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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