Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
