Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
