She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
