Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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