I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
