My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
