I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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