I wish I could teleport
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
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My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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