her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
