just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
