I love black thongs
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
