I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Dick very happy bro
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