Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
