i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
