Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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