I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
