I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
