is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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