Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Randomize
