Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
