My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
