Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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