Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
