So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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