I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
