whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
