Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
where does the pee come out of this thing
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
