Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
