You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
