dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
