i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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