Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
