He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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