I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
